


I Will Not Lose Another

by AlexKingOfTheDamned, swimsalot



Category: The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Babies, Birth, Childhood, F/M, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Pseudo-Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 15:13:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexKingOfTheDamned/pseuds/AlexKingOfTheDamned, https://archiveofourown.org/users/swimsalot/pseuds/swimsalot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki finds out he's pregnant for the seventh time in his life, and this time he will do whatever it takes to make sure his child is not taken away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Loki had noticed before they left for Jotunheim. There were no outward signs. Not yet. But he could feel the change within himself. Being with child had become a familiar feeling and as soon as he admitted it to himself he felt the dread settle in. He knew where this would lead. It was always the same, and nothing would change just because Thor was the father. In fact that would only make it worse. His brother's child. Father would be disgusted.  
  
But that did not mean he would stop the child from being born. It would be taken from him before long but that did not mean he would deny it life. So he fought hard to keep Thor from going to Jotunheim. He told the guard of their plan in hopes of keeping the child from harm but the idiot took too long. Loki was thankful his magic was enough to keep him and the child growing inside him safe. But then he saw his skin turn blue instead of black with frostbite and his terror took on a whole new dimension.  
  
Then Thor was sent away and he discovered the truth about himself. it was suddenly so clear why he had never been allowed to raise his children. Why they had all been stolen from his care. Odin feared him raising them. A monster raising monsters in his palace. Of course he wouldn't allow it. But that meant this new child was in more danger than ever. The child of the prince of Asgard and Laufey's son would never be allowed to live.  
  
Luckily Odin fell into the Odinsleep almost immediately. And with Thor off Asgard Loki had the perfect opportunity to take the throne and ensure the protection of his child. The only thing in his way were the warriors and their desperation to bring Thor back to Asgard.  
  
Thor.  
  
Loki loved him. With all his heart he loved him. They had moved beyond brothers and friends to lovers years ago, a change he could accept more easily knowing they held no relationship by blood. But as much as he loved Thor and Thor loved him the prince would never allow their child a place in Asgard. He would be ashamed of the evidence of their love once he knew of Loki's true lineage. It would be the end of them and his child.  
  
He couldn't allow that. So he sent the Destroyer. He didn't want to kill Thor, not really. But he had to stop him from returning. The warriors as well. If they came back he and the infant would be in danger again.  
  
But it didn't work. Thor's powers were restored and he came to Asgard. Loki had no option but to fight him. If he had to kill Thor to save his child he would, it was as simple as that. The battle was short and soon he was clinging to his staff, hanging above the abyss. Above him were Thor and Odin, the two men who would take everything from him again. And below was the abyss, his and the child's doom if he chose it.  


 

Better to die with his child then have it taken from him again. He chose the abyss.

 

  
But he didn't die. He was lost on the darkness for a while before he happened on the Chitauri. Their leader made him a simple offer. Lead them to Earth and when the battle was won it would be his. Or he could be killed there and then. To him the choice was simple. If he ruled earth nothing could hurt him and the baby he carried. They would be free and safe.  
  
It took two months to get him to Earth. Once he was there he learned that time moved differently in the abyss and a whole year had passed in this realm and in his home. But he did not concern himself with that. For the sake of his child he had an invasion to lead.   
  
At first it seemed all too simple. Humans were weak things and even those who might be formidable argued and fought amongst themselves. Even with the aid of Thor, his ex-lover, they were no match for him. It was really a tactical error that made them a threat. Killing the agent on the hellicarrier had been a mistake. He would admit that after the battle. At the time it had seemed only logical. How was he to know it would be that small act that would bring them all together?  
  
Even so the Chitauri could have overwhelmed them. He stood at the top of the tower, laughing with joy as they fought off his army. They would never succeed. He and his child would reign in the end.  


 

But then came the beast. The horrid green beast whole took him and slammed him repeatedly into the hard floor. He survived but as he lay on the ground he knew there was no way the embryo could have withstood the beating. He couldn't move, could barely breathe. The monster had left him alive when death would have been far more merciful. Another child lost. He didn't think his heart could bear it.  
  
The invasion failed but he didn't care. He let them cuff him and place the muzzle over his mouth without a word of protest. What was the point now that that which he had fought for was lost? He had nothing now. Nothing they could do to him mattered.  
  
So he took hold of the tesseract and let Thor take him back to Asgard without complaint. He wouldn't say a word in his own defense. Thor spoke on his behalf but he didn't listen. He sat, staring straight ahead when they sentenced him to life imprisonment.  
  
It isn't until he's alone in his new cell, dark and cold and damp as it is, that he begins to stir. He feels something. At first he thinks it's only in his mind. But then he feels it again and again. There's movement, however small, inside him.  
  
He smiles alone in the dark and curls is arms around his slightly swollen belly.   
  
His baby still lives.

 

 

Thor doesn’t get to see Loki as often as he would like. He knows without a doubt that something happened to him while he was in the abyss, for the Loki he knew would never have done such a horrible thing. Perhaps his mind had been warped or his emotions toyed with, but Loki would never…

 

Although the wound in Thor’s stomach where Loki stabbed him healed long ago, the pain still lingered. He would find himself pressing the heel of his hand to where the blade pierced his armor and his body, and he would remember the look of glee on Loki’s face as he did so, eyes unnatural and blue. The tesseract poisoned his mind, it was the only explanation for how he had come to such wickedness.

 

Thor did not sleep well. It was so long ago, the last time they lay together in his bed. Thor remembers it well, it is the best memory he has to cling to in these hard times.

 

He remembers his arms wrapped tight around Loki’s slender waist, his back pressed to Thor’s chest, their legs tangled together under the sheets. Loki pulled at Thor’s leghair with his toes playfully, Thor hooked his knees over Loki’s and pinned him. Thor kissed Loki’s neck, his shoulder, his ears, his cheekbones, and he whispered “ _I love you_.”

 

Loki hadn’t said the same. Thor didn’t think it meant anything at the time, but now he feels as though if Loki had repeated those three words when he first said them, this all would be more manageable.

 

His thoughts are scattered most of the time. It doesn’t help that he listens to Odin rant and rave constantly about what monstrosities Loki has done and how much better he should have turned out and “he should have known!” Thor’s guilt and anger mounted and while he didn’t think he could ever hate his father, he certainly didn’t believe Loki’s anger towards him was as unfounded as he once did.

 

The chance to visit Loki finally came three months after his imprisonment. He knelt by the bars and tried to speak to him, but Loki won’t even face him. He has shackles around his neck and arms, and he leans against the wall on a very thin cot with a single, threadbare blanket wrapped about his shoulders. His armor was taken from him when he was imprisoned, and they left him in a simple white robe.

 

“Loki, please,” Thor whispers weakly after five minutes of speaking to the back of his head. “I… I have brought you something. Something to cease your shivering, if you would only take it from me, please.”

 

He holds out a piece of ice directly from Jotunheim as far between the bars as his arm will reach, which he kept from melting by balancing on a wooden plate. If Loki would only touch it, his skin would shift and his Ice Giant invulnerability to cold would take hold of his body and he would not freeze to death sitting in a damp little dungeon beneath the palace.

 

“Please, Loki,” he begs. “I will not allow you to die.”

 

Loki did not shift. He kept his hands on his now prominent belly, glad it did not show from behind. Simple glamors hid it most of the time but because of the magicked shackles that drain his powers they are difficult to maintain. He will need his strength later when his food was brought so he chooses to simply ignore Thor behind him.  
  
Thor would leave the ice, he was sure. But he would never touch it. He did not know what effect that would have on the infant. Perhaps the child would be born with the markings of a monster, something he could not allow. He would rather shiver under his thin blanket than allow his child to be marked in that way.

 

Thor places the plate on the cobblestones and hangs his head, letting it rest on the cold bars.

 

“Loki, please… speak to me,” he asks softly. “I wish to hear your voice. I hate being separated from you like this. I feel as though my heart is heavy and I will not survive this. My father is furious and speaks of it often and mother says nothing to defend you and if I try he simply rages at me. I cannot maintain my normal behavior with such rampant negativity, I… I need you. Loki, please, I need you,” his voice his hoarse.

 

Loki closes his eyes, trying to ignore his lover's pleading voice. It brings tears to his eyes but he can not speak. Thor will want him to turn, to face him and then he will see. He will know and it will be the end. He can't bear that. He can not lose this child. It is all he has left.   
  
He wishes he could take Thor's hands and assure him of his love and apologize for all he has done. But he does not feel bad. He did what was needed. Thor will not understand that. Thor has never lost a child as he has. So he says nothing though each word pierces him like a dagger.

 

He listens to Thor cry for a few minutes, listens to him whisper “ _I love you,_ ” and then listens to him leave. Thor does not sleep that night, instead thinking about how clear it is that Loki does not love him anymore.

 

Loki cries once Thor is gone. His tears are silent and drip onto his shivering hands where they lay on his belly. Thor will certainly hate him now. His kindness and forgiveness can only stretch so far and Loki knows he has tested both. Thor will not come see him again and he shall spend his days here in his cell with their child, a child Thor will never know.  
  
"It is worth it." he whispers, looking down at his pregnant stomach. "You are worth it. I shall love you enough for us both."

 

Thor does not get to visit Loki again for another month, but he takes the opportunity. He is furious to see that Loki was not given a second blanket as he requested, but Odin would only tell him later that “he is not imprisoned to be kept comfortable.”

 

The wooden plate is in the corner of the cell, the ice melted from it long ago. Loki never touched it. Thor flares up with frustration. Loki is refusing his acts of kindness for the sole reason he resents Thor, a foolish reason indeed.

 

“Are you still not speaking to me?” he asks, breaking the silence and causing the backwards-facing trickster to flinch. But he does not turn, instead shifts himself so his back more completely faces Thor. This action freezes the thunderer’s heart more than any ice ever could.

 

He is silent for a long time, just standing there. His body feels heavy. His fingertips hang so low he feels they may just drag across the floor. His knees are locked, else he will collapse under the weight of his own body. His head is hung and gravity pulls tears from his tired eyes.

 

“I require confirmation,” he says hoarsely after a moment. “If you do not… if you do not feel anything for me anymore, I need you to tell me, and I will cease visitations. I will leave you be if you wish it, but… you need to tell me.”

 

He wishes so deeply that Loki will stay silent.

 

Loki is tempted to speak. To tell Thor to never come back. It would be safer, and less painful. He should send Thor away, for the sake of their child. But he has always been selfish and there is still time before the baby is born. Once he has the child he will not be lonely anymore. He can send Thor away then. But now he can not give up this bit of contact, or the joy Thor's voice brings him, even if it will hurt more when he leaves.   
  
So he holds his silence, hoping Thor will not choose to leave him out of anger anyway.

 

Thor’s frozen heart beats feebly. Some part of Loki desires he stay, for he would cast him away without hesitation did he not desire him there.

 

So he sits cross-legged before the bars and just begins to talk. He tells Loki stories of the dreams he has, the few times he sleeps deeply enough. He tells him how frightened he is now to become king, and how Odin fears the Ice Giants might be preparing an attack. He shares his concerns and his pains and he wishes Loki would say something, but it is comforting just to speak at him.

 

“He nearly hit me today,” he says softly after a long silence between stories. “When I demanded you be allowed a second blanket, and he found that I had brought you a chunk of ice. He was so furious that I had risked my life by walking back into Jotunheim just for a block of ice for… for you,” he decides it best not to say exactly what Odin had called him. “He said that I have no business attempting to coddle you, and it is exactly that behavior that will cause you to believe you can _get away with things_ , although I know not what he implies. I told him I would rather die standing up for you than live forever by staying silent. He raised his hand to me, and mother was the one to take his outstretched arm and spare me.”

 

 _I am glad._ Loki thinks. But he dare not say it aloud. Thor's voice is a comfort and the baby's kicks are softer than usual. Loki smiles sadly to himself. The child recognizes its father's voice. It is too bad this is the most it will ever hear it.   
  
He feels guilty for how much pain he has caused Thor. He put the baby ahead of his lover but that does not mean he enjoys seeing him in pain. And to know that he suffers so much when Loki will not even speak to him breaks the trickster's icy heart.

 

“I believe he is getting frustrated with me. He his growing weary, and I think he is coming closer to giving up his rein. He seems so much older than ever, so much more tired.” Thor’s voice is quiet as he rubs his thumb over the back of his knuckles. “I wish you to know, if I am named king, and you find a way to break out of this cell, I may turn a blind eye to your escape. I do not want you to be trapped in here forever, even if it means I can never see you again.”

 

He does not say _I love you_ this time. He stands and he leaves without another word.

 

Loki listens to him leave, marking each step until Thor is too far for him to hear anymore. Thor did not say he loves him. He must be growing weary as well. If only Loki could escape. He would happily disappear to some quiet realm to raise his child if only he could escape these shackles. As it is he has no means of leaving the cell. Even if the door were left open he could not reach it, the chains are not that long. He can only move to where they place his food, the small area designated so he can relieve himself and the basin of water across the cell where he is allowed to wash.  
  
It will be hard raising a child under these conditions but he will make do for as long as he is allowed.


	2. Chapter 2

Thor is given another opportunity to visit Loki in the next week, but he does not take it. He doesn’t think he can handle talking to the back of Loki’s head twice in one month, no matter how long it will be again until he gets a chance. He needs time to collect himself.

 

Before the next visit, Odin declares he is stepping down from the Throne. Thor does not glow as he did the first time he believed he was being crowned. He did not seem to take any joy from it whatsoever, despite the crowds of his people calling his name and cheering him. He was serious, for the sake of his father, who took away the crown the last time he was too rambunctious. This time he keeps his face stony, and Odin seems to appreciate it. The ceremony is too long and Thor is tired, and he doesn’t even want to wear the crown. It feels too heavy and too large and too cold, and he wants to cast it over the side of Asgard’s palace.

 

That night there is a grand feast and he talks blankly with several women who attempt to convince him that she is the best candidate for a wife and bearing children. He does not show interest in any of them, but that does not keep them from blithering on about their lineage and why a son she would bear for him would be the best.

 

He does not eat much. He sneaks away a sweet tart, knowing that Loki gets no such treats when food is brought to him, and the sugary cake has always been one of his favorites. He only hopes that Loki will not refuse the treat because he is spiteful towards Thor.  

 

As he is king, he now schedules his own time for visiting Loki. He waits only a day before he sweeps down to the dungeons, crown settled on his brow and cake hidden in his cloak, wrapped in a small square of green silk.

 

“Loki,” he says as he approaches, and his lover flinches again. “I have brought you something. Please, take this,” he kneels to pass the cake into the cell between the bars, towards the corner where it will remain hidden. “Even if you must wait until I leave, please take it.”

 

He stands again. He doesn’t think he can sit and then stand once more, he is far too tired. He would more likely pass out on the stone floor than attempt to stand again.

 

“I have been crowned,” he says weakly, leaning against the bars of the cage facing away so he does not have to see Loki’s back always turned to him. “I am… I am king now. It seems so much less of a privilege now, so much more of a bitter responsibility. I don’t think I can do this without you. I am not well informed when it comes to politics, unlike you. I wanted you to be by my side, to be my advisor, to help me when I could not do it alone. I don’t know what to do,” he covers his face with his hands.

 

Loki sighs. He is weary and the child's birth draws nearer. It is heavy in his belly and moves often, keeping him up at night. He is always sore now and everything is an irritation, even Thor whose visits are usually so welcome. He considers telling him who he should seek out for advice simply to make the man leave but he knows one word will only make Thor more eager than ever to be with him. So he stays silent, hoping he will leave soon so he can retrieve the treat lying to temptingly close.

 

Thor simply breathes deeply for a long while, taking peace from being in Loki’s presence. He stares at the stone wall, trying to imaging what Loki’s expression is right now. Perhaps remorseful. Or disgust. Maybe he’s angry, or bored. Whatever he is, he’s not receptive, which is what he really needs right now.

 

Ever since Loki’s first attack on earth, he has not been as close to his friends The Warriors as he once was, and now more than ever. They cheered him on, but it seemed forced, as though they were frightened, or they pitied him.

 

He does not know who to turn to. His mother comes to mind, but he is a king now, and far too old to lay his head on her breast and allow her to comfort him while he cries. He feels so incredibly alone.

 

“I will be visiting Earth,” he suddenly announces, pushing off the bars. “It may be some time before I return.” He turns to look over his shoulder. Loki has not reacted. He sighs and walks heavily towards the door. “I love you,” he says weakly before leaving altogether.

 

Loki covers his face with his hands and cries. He stops only to go and retrieve the tart Thor had brought him so it will not be found when they bring his meal. He cries while he eats it, knowing this may be the last favor his love will bestow on him. Perhaps that was even his last chance to see his love. Maybe he will never hear his voice again.   
  
He cries himself to sleep that night and for once the baby is still.  
  
The next month is lonely and with every passing day he can feel his body preparing to deliver the child. His final month comes to a close and he knows his time will soon be upon him.  
  
He goes into labor one night shortly before dinner. It is easy to hide when the guards come to bring him his meal and he is thankful for the timing. They will not be back until morning and he can have his child alone, in the cold darkness of his cell. There aren't guards right outside his door but as the night progresses and the pain gets worse he has to force himself to keep silent. The contractions get longer and more painful but he doesn't cry out. He doesn't even open his mouth, forcing himself to breath through his nose to keep from making noise.  
  
The real pain comes during the delivery. The labor is intense and he wonders if he shall die from the pain. His previous children were delivered with the aid of herbs to ease the pain but here he has nothing. It is bloody and slow and excruciating. He can not keep his mouth closed as before and bites into his hand, at times all the way to the bone to keep from screaming. Tears stream down his face as he suffers for hours.   
  
But finally the child is born. He uses a magic-sharpened spoon from his evening meal to cut the umbilical and takes the babe into his arms. It is a little girl and as he stumbles over to the water basin to wash her new tears fill his eyes. She is small, maybe a bit too small, and red but she bears no sign of his Jotun heritage. She is not crying, but whimpering a little and wiggling around, blinking inquisitively. When he washes her he finds her hair to be dark blond, a few shades darker than her father's. And as he wraps her in his only blanket she blinks up at him, displaying wide green eyes.  
  
She is beautiful and he has never been happier. 

 

Thor's visit to earth was not terribly lengthy, but it was exactly what he needed. He first visited his friends at Avengers tower, but he was not close enough to any of them to feel great comfort. So after only a day, he thunders away to where Jane was relocated to. 

 

She is very glad to see him and does not hesitate to throw her arms around him. He quickly explains to her that he can no longer be hers as he once thought he could when he believed Loki hated him. He still believes this, but is unwilling to seek solace in the flesh of another. She seems disappointed, but listens quietly as he shares his whole story with her. She is shocked at the knowledge that they were lovers far before they found they were not blood brothers, but Thor's grief is genuine so for his sake she remains unjudgemental. 

 

When he returns to Asgard a few days later he feels at least unburdened enough to face his duties with his head held up. He knows he can visit Loki any time he desires now, but frankly he does not want to take himself to his unreceptive lover after feeling such (near) joy spending a few days with Jane and her friend Darcy. 

 

Thor hears news after a month of Loki’s thinness and tiredness, and he can only assume that his lover’s pride is causing him to starve himself.

 

So he reluctantly visits. It makes him sick that he so desperately wants to stay away, seeing Loki like this might be the end of him. He walks to his cell shortly after dinner is brought to him, and he is pressed up against the wall of the cell as usual, sitting with his legs folded beside him on the cot, hunched over on himself. Thor can see through the threadbare cloth of the white robe they put him in that he is much thinner. His spine is like a cobblestone robe and his shoulders and arms nearly skeletal. The tray with his supper is sitting near the door to the cell, untouched.

 

“You are not eating?” Thor inquires. Loki is surprised to hear his voice, and he flinches, but he does not speak. “You starve yourself. Are you so desperate to die? Are you so desperate to leave me? I cannot visit you often but when I do it is the best moments of my life, and all you wish to do is bring me pain by leaving? Do I mean so little to you now!?”

 

Loki hunches more tightly around his sleeping baby, kept invisible although it made him tired, and he tries not to cry. He’s so easily moved to tears these past few weeks. The truth was he did eat less, but not because he meant to starve himself, but rather so he could turn a portion of his meal into milk for the babe, else she would die. He didn’t have nearly enough energy for a full transformation into a woman, or else he would simply breastfeed her. It does not leave him much of his meal left over, and the baby is thin as well, but at least they are both alive.

 

Thor desperately awaits an answer, but he receives none. Rage and grief build in him and he slams his fist against the bars with a great mighty clang and Loki has to cover his daughter’s mouth when she immediately wakes and starts to weep.

 

There are still snuffly sounds coming through her nose, and Thor mistakes them as coming from Loki, and his heart breaks. He falls to his knees with a cry of anguish.

 

Tears trickle down Loki's thin face. He wants Thor to leave. Having him close is painful and worse, he can not feed or soothe his daughter while the man is nearby. But he can not bring himself to order him away.

 

Thor’s heart is fragile lately, it seems. The time he believed Loki to be dead was less painful than this. His heart was heavy when he thought he had lost Loki, but this was a hundred times worse because he hasn’t lost him, he’s _right there_ , but he still won’t speak to him.

 

“It is clear now,” Thor begins slowly, using the bars to pull himself upright. He presses his hand into the place where Loki stabbed him. “I only burden you with my presence, and I only harm myself with pretending that you still love me. I won’t be visiting again.” it kills him to say so, but he has to make it clear that he won’t be allowing himself this abuse any longer, and that means he has to say it out loud. “It will be easier for my heart if I pretend you still dead.”

 

He sweeps out of the dungeon, cape swishing behind him as he retreats quickly, before Loki has any chance to suddenly speak up and request him stay.

 

In the next weeks, Thor’s sour demeanor is not lost on his subjects, and the whispers of his possible depressed do not escape him. He does not try to counter these rumors because, frankly, they are not false. He tries to pretend as though Loki has already starved to death in the cell below the palace, but he knows that if he did he would get word from the guards. It is all he can do to pretend.

 

He wants to visit again, his body aches for it, but he knows it will end in exactly the same way. He will go, he will speak to the back of Loki’s head, and he will leave in deeper anguish than he arrived in.

 

His friends, the warriors, try to console him, but he keeps distant. He does not want them to ask questions of why he is bereft, and he does not want to lie to them. They were good friends once, even if now they seem intimidated by him.

 

He does not smile. He barely speaks except for when performing his duties, and he certainly doesn’t leave the palace. He almost never even leaves the throne room for sleep, because when he sleeps he has dreams about when things were perfect and beautiful with Loki, and then he wakes once more to the world where Loki won’t even look at him and it’s even worse.

 

Time passes and Loki watches his daughter grow. She is still too small because he does not have enough food to nourish her properly. He starts skipping meals a few times a week so that she may have a full belly. He is wasting away more quickly because of it but consoles himself with her smiles and beautiful, innocent laugh.

They share the bed, he curled on his side, comforted by her warmth that does not block out the chill of the damp air that fills the cell. She is swaddled in their only blanket and more than once he has woken her with his shivering. When she wakes she cries so he rocks her, crooning lullabies he remembers from his childhood until she is asleep in his arms again.

 

Thor continues to get news of Loki’s slow decent into death, and eventually declares he wants no further news until he actually dies. The guards agree, and for weeks he gets no news of Loki whatsoever. He is not happy, but he is stable because of it.

 

His heart is heavier than ever, and even the light is gone from his eyes as he sits on his throne and tries not to weep his eyes right out of his head. He wishes now more than ever that his father never crowned him, as it is nigh impossible to balance his personal pain with his kingly duties. It does not help that Odin finds every chance to scold him, telling him he is far too distracted and he will never be a good king while he allows his heart to remain so heavy with his brother’s imprisonment.

 

Once, Thor has a terrible dream in which he went down to the cell and bludgeoned Loki to death with Mjolnir so he would not be forced to await his death slowly and he could begin properly grieving sooner and could move on faster. He woke in tears, nearly hyperventilating, and he had to take a fly to clear his head. He did not return until morning, did not sleep, and fell right into his duties.

 

Loki begins to realize how much he had enjoyed Thor's visits two months after he said he would not return. Without him no one speaks to the imprisoned prince. His only company is his daughter and his own voice which grows hoarse from lack of use. He begins to talk to the babe, telling her stories of his adventures with Thor and her father's many triumphs in battle. They make him smile and then cry, knowing those happy days are far behind them and even when they had been his life that happiness had only been an illusion.

 

Thor's appetite has lessened, which has been noticed by his friends. They encourage him to eat more every chance they get, but he does not listen. He cannot bring himself to eat while Loki slowly starves to death half a mile beneath his feet.   
  
When he is not performing his duties, Thor spends much of his free time sparring. Few people stand up to spar with the king, as he looks much more frightening than usual, and those who do fight get defeated swiftly and brutally. Eventually people are not good enough anymore and he begins to fight beasts to the death instead. He takes sick pleasure in beating the life out of the creatures in the forests of Asgard who would otherwise eat his subjects. 

 

And then one night he is awoken at high moon with the news that Loki has finally met his end. And then he awoke and he found it impossible to tell if he had actually received this news or not. Fear grips him and he throws his red cloak over his shoulders to keep warm as he rushes to the dungeons to see if what he fears is true. The guards do not hesitate to let him into the dungeon (he is the king after all) and he hurries to Loki's cell.

 

As he draws nearer, however, he begins to hear Loki's voice, and he is singing.

 

Loki had been woken by the infant's wails which he thinks only fair as it was probably his shivering or his nightmares that had woken her. So he had picked her up and taken her to their half empty water basin. A quick spell had turned the cupfull he took to milk and he had fed her. But still she would not sleep.  
  
So he paces the small room, his daughter cradled to his chest while he sings,

_Sleep my baby, at my breast,_

’ _Tis a mother’s arms round you._

_Make yourself a snug, warm nest._

_Feel my love forever new._

_Harm will not meet you in sleep,_

_Hurt will always pass you by._

_Child beloved, always you’ll keep,_

_In sleep gentle, mother’s breast nigh._

_Sleep in peace tonight, sleep,_

_O sleep gently, what a sight._

_A smile I see in slumber deep,_

_What visions make your face bright?_

 

Thor stops as soon as he hears Loki’s voice, relief flooding him. And then he realizes that Loki is singing a lullaby that their (Thor’s) mother used to sing to them when they were but small children. He remembers fondly a time when he would watch his mother carrying his tiny baby brother on her chest, humming to him and singing occasionally, until his green eyes fell shut and she could lay him in the bed beside Thor.

 

And then his heart breaks all over again. In the chill and dark of the cell, Loki is trying to comfort himself by singing lullabies his mother used to sing for him. Thor falls against the wall and listens to Loki hum and sing just as Frigga once did for him.

 

Then he pushes off the wall, because he needs to see for himself the state of his lover’s thinness, but he pauses just inside the line of shadows in shock. Loki is pacing, cradling a bundle to his chest. He could not see in all the times he had been turned away, but there was a blood stain on the front of his dirty white robe, and he saw a tiny fist raise from the blanket Loki held.

 

Thor stops breathing entirely, his mouth falling open as Loki shifted just so, and Thor watches big green eyes fall closed beneath golden lashes, set in a round face with pale skin and wispy blonde curls. He is sure his heart stopped beating as well as he watches Loki cradle and rock the infant for a few minutes. His knees are locked and he cannot move one inch forward or backward, his eyes riveted on the tiny bundle of blankets.

 

The babe is started to snooze when Loki looks up, sighing with the relief. That relief turns to horror as his gaze settles on Thor, standing just beyond the bars. The King is slack jawed and wide eyed, staring at the bundle in Loki's arms and it's all too clear that he has seen their daughter.  



	3. Chapter 3

Loki stumbles back to the back wall of the cage, clutching the little girl close to his chest. He hits the cold stone and sinks to his knees, eyes never leaving Thor. This is it. the day he dreaded. Thor knows and after this night he will never see his daughter again.  
  
Tears well up in his eyes and he chokes out a muffled plea,  
  
"Please don't hurt her."

 

Thor can hardly breathe, let alone speak. He knows of Loki’s other children, all of which were born before the time he took his believed brother as his lover. Since then Loki has sworn that he has not bedded another, and while Thor might be less inclined to believe that now, there is no mistaking the pale jade eyes that match Loki’s, and the blonde curls that match his own. Still, he needs confirmation. His voice is very quiet as he speaks,

 

“Is she mine?”

 

Loki nods and the tears spill down his cheeks. He feels like he can't breathe and the cell is colder than ever. "Thor please," he begs. "Please be merciful. You are angry with me, that is your right. I have done nothing but cause you grief. But please do not take it out on her. Don't take her away from me."

 

Thor looks up for just a moment into Loki’s frightened eyes before his own flick back down to the baby, who has started to squirm again, and his eyes are a brighter blue than they have been in months.

 

“What’s her name?” he asks breathlessly.

 

"She doesn't have one." Loki admits. He hadn't bothered because he knew she would not be with him for long. As much as he wanted to pretend he could keep her forever he knew it was only a matter of time until she was taken so he never gave her a name. He looks down at her now, still sleeping in his arms and he wonders if that was the right thing to do. He hadn't wanted to grow attached but now he wishes he had a name to remember her by.

"I discovered I was with child before we went to Jotunheim." he says quietly. "I sent the destroyer after you on Earth so you would not be able to come between us. And then the invasion," he chokes back tears, still looking down at his daughter. "I just wanted someplace we would be safe."

 

Thor is silent for a long time, watching the love on Loki’s face as he looks down at the sleeping girl.

 

“She looks cold,” Thor suddenly says. “That blanket cannot be enough for her.”

 

Without hesitation, he bends one of the bars apart so he can step through, taking the cloak from around his shoulders as he went. Loki panics and clutches her close to him, but Thor is gentle in his movements as he crouches and holds out his cloak to the frightened man.

 

“Swaddle her with this,” he offers. “It is warmer.”

 

Loki takes it hesitantly and lays her down on the bed to remove the thin blanket from his naked child. He quickly rewraps her in the thick red cloak and he can see how happy she is instantly. She shifts a little in the sleep, snuggling into the thick, soft velvet. He picks her up again, holding her no less tightly than before.  
  
"Thank you." he says softly. He is still on his knees, looking up at the man who once loved him so dearly and he quickly drops his gaze to the floor in a show of respect. "I know this is not what you want Thor. And I will not blame you for being disgusted with us. But she is all I have. I will do anything to keep her safe. Whatever your demands I will not deny you as long as I may keep her."

 

“How do you know this is not what I want?” Thor asks, dropping to sit cross-legged in the cold cell.

 

"She is a complication. Your bastard child, mothered by a monster who at the time was still considered your brother. highly frowned upon, especially when looking for a mother for your heir" Loki sighs. "Besides, our relationship was casual. Our love was real but we both knew it could never last."

 

“You seem to know a lot more about what I want than I do,” Thor raises his eyebrows at the confused man, and gives him a small smile before looking back down at the baby. “I have not been seeking a wife. And good, too, because it appears as though I already have an heir.”

 

Loki opens his mouth to protest, but Thor silences him by raising his palm.

 

“May I hold her?” he asks gently.

 

Loki's arms tighten around her and he considers refusing. But he does not want to make Thor angry. He looks down at her again and presses a kiss to her small head, wondering if this will be the last time he is this close to her, before hesitantly handing her over to her father.  
  
The babe is almost small enough to fit into the palm of Thor's hand, and more than small enough to be cradled comfortable between his chest and forearm. She twists a little, before curling into the massive, warm body.

 

A slow smile spreads across Thor’s face as he looks down at her. Her lips are puckered and she’s drooling slightly, her fists raised and pressed to either side of her cheeks. Her eyes are moving beneath her eyelids, and her eyelashes are thick and golden on her pale cheeks, which are swiftly turning rosy in the warm cloak.

 

“She’s beautiful,” Thor whispers, without thinking. “How did you – I mean, I assumed… you would be careful,” he looks up at Loki. “How did this happen?”

 

"I made a mistake. I don't know how or when but somehow the spell I used to protect us slipped." he says, a little embarrassed. His eyes never leave the little girl and he stays tense, ready to snatch her back in an instant if it looks like Thor is going to take her or hurt her.

 

Thor looks down at her for a long time before raising his other hand to gently pet the curls on her head. They’re just as soft as they look, and before he realizes it, there are tears in his eyes.

 

“I have a child,” he whispers hoarsely. He looks up at Loki. “ _We_ have a child.”

 

Loki nods and there are fresh tears in his eyes too. "Yes. Yes we do." hesitantly he reaches out and lays his hand on Thor's. "You will not hurt her? Please, Thor. Swear to me she is safe. I will not survive losing her."

 

Thor looks up at Loki again, his eyes are sad. “You really believe I would harm my own child? You believe I would hurt my _daughter?_ Is that what you think of me? Or perhaps is that how lowly you think of yourself, so you think I believe the same?” he cradled his little girl closer and she let out a little burble in her sleep that was so innocent, Thor felt his broken heart begin to mend again.

 

"Odin took all my children from me. And if he had learned that you and I had conceived a child he would have had her killed." Loki replies sadly. He strokes his daughter's soft little fist with one finger and smiles when she grabs it in her sleep. When he looks back up at Thor his smile is still there but it's small and sad. "And you have more reason to want her gone than anyone. And more reason to hate me. Can you honestly blame me for being scared?"

 

“It saddens me that you think I would be so angry with you that I would kill my own child,” Thor says softly, watching as her little fingers tightened around Loki’s digit. “I am not pleased with the acts you have committed, but knowing that they were in protection of an unborn child lessens them somewhat. It does not excuse what you did, but… I cannot blame you,” he looks up into Loki’s watery green eyes with a smile, but then it fades. “Did you…” he looks around. “Did you birth her here?”

 

"Where else? It is not as if I can go to the midwife whenever I please." Loki answers a little bitterly. Then his face softens and he shrugs. "It wasn't so bad. I did not like washing her in cold water though."

 

Thor stares at Loki with frightful eyes. The thought of Loki lying on a bare cot giving birth and keeping himself silent so he would not be caught broke his heart worse than anything that happened between them so far. Tears fill his eyes and he takes Loki by the back of the neck and pulls him into a kiss, the child held comfortably between them. Loki’s lips are thinner than usual and chapped, and he’s so cold to the touch, but Thor could not think of time that he was happier than right now, with his child in his arms and his lips pressed to Loki’s.

 

Loki stiffens in surprise. Then he throws his free arm around Thor's neck and kisses him back eagerly. He starts crying, soaking both their cheeks with tears. But he refuses to stop. It's like a dream, being here with Thor and their daughter and he wonders briefly if he is still asleep. Or perhaps he died and this is what Midgardians call heaven.

 

Thor eventually slows their kisses, and they grow farther and farther apart, lingering their lips on the other man’s, until finally they break away. Thor still has him by the back of the neck and their foreheads are pressed together, and their eyes are still closed, and for one moment they forget they’re kneeling in a dungeon cell.

 

“She cannot stay here,” Thor says softly, and he isn’t surprised when Loki pulls away in shock. “Do not mistake my words for malice, Loki. She cannot be raised in a prison cell. Someone is bound to notice eventually, and if Odin gets word that she is down here you are right, he will cast her away. She deserves a warm cradle and warm milk. I will raise her in the palace, and I will bring her with me to visit you, I swear,” he strokes the crestfallen man’s cheekbone. “But she cannot stay here.”

 

"I know you are right. We are wasting away together." Loki sighs, looking down at his baby girl. Knowing it is best for her makes parting a little easier but he can not help feeling like it is another loss. Another child stolen from his arms. He wants to take her back and yell and curse Thor until he leaves again so that he and his daughter can live and die together in peace. But he has to do what is best for her. "May I hold her?" he asks, holding out his arms. "It may be my last chance."

 

Thor passes the child without hesitation.

 

“Let us pick a name for her now,” he says softly, reaching forward to pull a curl away from her closed eye. “She needs a name. I think you should pick.”

 

Loki nods, his eyes never leaving his daughter. She deserves a good name. A beautiful name. The kind of name that befits a princess such as herself.   
  
_Astrid?_ he considers. He looks at her but it does not seem to suit her.  
  
Nor does Eira, Ingrid, Kenna, Bryna, or Nessa. He also considers Tyra and Skuld and Ericka but none of them are right.  
  
Then he looks at the red cloth and her now rosy cheeks. She should always be like this. Warm and happy, healthy and pink. It suits her.  
  
"Rowan." he pronounces finally. "I think her name ought to be Rowan."

 

Thor’s face splits into a wide grin. “Rowan,” he repeats, and traces his thumb across her forehead. “Yes, it’s perfect.”

 

Rowan, in their language, means _little red one_ , and he knows that Loki is calling her this because this is the first time they are all three together, and it makes Thor’s heart leap. Loki wants to remember this, he wants to remember this moment every time he hears or speaks her name.

 

They hold one another for quite some time, losing track until the first rays of sunlight are shining through the bars of the cell’s only window, near the ceiling.

 

“I must go,” he whispers, kissing Loki’s tears away as he realizes his daughter is leaving the cell now. “Please, use the blanket for yourself now. And start eating your meals, I won’t have you dying down here before our daughter even has a chance to learn your name.”

 

He stands, keeping Rowan close to his chest as he ducks out of the prison, bending the bar back into place on Loki’s cell wall. He has never been known for his stealth, but he is pleased with himself for sneaking past the guards so swiftly.

 

He creeps back into his room and lies beneath his covers, keeping Rowan nested between his pillows, and he realizes he’s going to need to create a story for how she came to be.

 

Odin is in the council room late in the morning, discussing possible battle strategies with fellow warriors in the event of an attack from the Frost Giants. There's been no word yet but it is best to take precautions. Nothing can be done without Thor's approval as he is king but he often calls Odin to his talks with their generals to work out plans and often his father will talk to them while Thor is busy as he is supposed to be this morning.  
  
So they are all taken by surprise when the door opens and the young king walks into their council. He does not greet the generals who bow or nod as he passes to stand before his father.  
  
"I wish to speak with you in private." he says.  
  
Odin nods and walks around the table to join him. "Of course my son. Let us go to my chambers. We may speak there."  
  
He leads the way through the palace and closes the door behind Thor, leaving the two of them alone in the gilded room.  
  
"What do you wish to tell me my son?" he asks, gesturing to a chair. He wonders if perhaps Loki has finally passed for Thor looks grim.

 

“I have discovered something in my last trip to earth that has come to pass,” he says, trying to sound sincere and keeping his eyes trained on his father. “I gave a child to a human woman quite on accident, and I have brought the child back with me. She is growing restless and becoming quite difficult to console on my own, so I wish for your blessing in raising her in the palace.” He keeps his head held up and his hands clasped behind his back.

 

Odin frowns and for a long moment is silent.   
  
"You are not wed to this woman. That makes the child ineligible for the throne." he says gravely. "But it is a good way to cement the bond you have created between our realm and Midgard. As long as no others protest I grant my blessing though a half human child will be weak in the eyes of the people. It will never be a proper Asgardian warrior."

 

“She will find her own place as she grows,” It is obvious that Thor is trying not to grin like a fool, and he is truly glad his father did not immediately demand he fly off and marry the false Midgardian mother of his babe. “Perhaps one day I will take a wife and have a son, but until then she is all I have. And father, she is beautiful,” he says breathlessly, feeling embarrassed that he gushed like that and looking down at the floor.

 

Odin smiles and places a hand on his son's shoulder. "There is no need for shame. Every father should be proud of his children. As should grandfathers. We shall have a feast tonight and you may introduce her to the people. Does the child have a name?"

 

“Her name is Rowan,” Thor says, looking up. “And she is currently swaddled on my bed, between my pillows. Naked. She could make good use of clothing.”

 

"Take her to a seamstress then. Your child deserves only the best that can be found in Asgard. And take your mother as well. She will know how to dress a girl for a feast better than you or I. Besides, if Frigga found out you had neglected telling her of her granddaughter she will never forgive you." he laughs.

 

Thor immediately goes to his room and lifts baby Rowan from between his pillows, cloak and all, and lays her across his chest, and goes out in search of his mother.

 

The instant she sees him with a babe in his arms, she is overjoyed and begins to cry, and as soon as she sees the blonde curls and big eyes, she declares she’s in love. They take her to a seamstress, and Odin agrees to take care of Thor’s duties only for today so he can spend the day with his newly discovered daughter.

 

She is dressed in a decadent red dress, a ribbon placed in her curls, and she looks every bit the little red one. She doesn’t cry once throughout the day, not a single time, instead blinks around and gurgles contentedly as she’s passed from arms to arms to arms, every single woman in the palace getting a turn to hold the new princess and declare how beautiful she is and how she looks so much like her father. However, when Thor looks at her, all he can see are Loki’s beautiful green eyes.

 

A feast is prepared in record time and everyone is glad to see their king so happy. There are whispers through the hall as to who the beautiful human could be who had produced their new princess but no one dares to ask and risk ruining the mood. Instead the all ooh and ahh over the baby and make never ending toasts. Each of the warriors makes their predictions for the child's future and holds her for a long while with the exception of Sif who passes her on the quickest.   
  
Down in his cell Loki can hear the music trickling down through the thick floors and he wonders what his daughter looks like up there with the nobles all blessing her. He seethes a little, knowing Odin has probably held her but it is better than sentencing her to death or exile.

 

The feast finally winds down when Thor declares that Rowan is too tired to continue to be festive, and one look at her asleep over Thor’s shoulder leaves the women cooing. He allows his subjects to stay as long as the guards eventually usher them all out, and refuses the few women who suggest she be taken to a nursery to stay with a woman for the night.

 

He carries her back to his room and sits on his bed and holds her just long enough until he is certain that the halls are clear, and he takes her immediately down to the prison. He announces that Loki deserves to look into the face of the princess and the guards allow him through.

 

He immediately rushes to the bars and looks Loki in the eye with a grand smile. Rowan is awake and burbling in his arms, swathed in red velvet and ribbons and silk, her curls fuller than ever as she shrieks gleefully in the direction of Loki, a face that she recognizes, and stretches her little arms out.  

 

Loki reaches to her through the bars and she grabs onto his fingers, making him laugh.   
  
"She's so beautiful." he says, remembering her wrapped in his ragged linen blanket. She looks like a true princess now. He's almost ashamed to have her near him while he resides in a cell and dresses worse than a beggar.

 

“Everyone complimented her eyes,” Thor beams at the shackled trickster, but then his smile fades. “I told them she was born of a human woman. So they believe those eyes belong to her. I will speak to Jane, she is a good friend and I am certain she will assist in this lie if I ask her to.”

 

He kneels by the bars and passes the tiny girl between them so Loki can hold her to his chest and rock her and set all the little red ribbons in place as she blinks up at him. It makes him sad to realize that there will come a day she will be too large to pass through the bars, and the thought of Loki holding her close with the bars in between them makes him want to weep, but he stays his expression.

 

"Jane is a good woman." Loki nods, moving one of Rowan's curls into place. He thinks about his daughter growing up as a princess, loved by the people and by Odin and Thor and Frigga while he rots in a cell beneath their feet. It isn't fair to her to have to lie her entire life or to have to bear the weight of his crimes.  
  
"It isn't fair." he says sadly. He looks up at Thor and passes Rowan back to him. "She is going to grow up to be so loved and I will have to miss it all."

 

Thor sighs and reaches through the bars so he can stroke Loki’s hair, which has become brittle and greasy for how long he has been in the cell without a proper wash.

 

“If you exhibit true remorse, even if you do not mean it, I could potentially bring you to court and have your sentence relocated to the halls of the palace. Essentially, to be placed under house arrest, with no allowance to the city outside. It may take some time, a few months, perhaps even a year or two, but even if you must lie… if it would get you out of this cell, it would be worth it. I do not suppose you will ever feel truly guilty about your actions because they were to protect Rowan, but I do think that you can make excellent work of your silver tongue to lie your way out of this cell.”

 

"Odin will not allow it. And even if I were free I could never be her parent." Loki sighs, shaking his head. He wants to reach out and stroke his baby's soft, full cheeks but he fears dirtying her with his hands which are still covered in filth from the cell.   
  
 

“It is not Odin’s decision anymore,” Thor says firmly, not even referring to him as father. “He has tested my patience, he has insulted me and berated me, he has lied to us both and he leaves you here based on crimes that he did not even witness. When he passed the crown to me, he also passed your fate to my hands. He does not get to pick and choose which parts of rule are mine. If I say you are fit to leave this cell but cannot leave the palace, then my word is the law. Even so, as I said, it may take some time. Do you think you could lie about your remorse?”

 

Loki nods. "Of course. I hate this cell. I would do anything to be free of it."

 

Thor smiles. “You would not be a parent to her, perhaps, but she would grow at your side. You would treat her as the princess in light of the public eye, but when you are alone together she can be your child. You can hold her and love her just as you deserve.”

 

"She can never know I mothered her." Loki says sternly. "I can only ever be her uncle. If she finds out she is born from me she will despise me."

 

“She could never despise you,” Thor argues, bringing Loki forward so he can kiss the man’s forehead. “I would sooner tell her that her mother is dead than let her honestly believe Jane is her mother. It is one thing for Jane to lie to the council, but another thing entirely to lie to Rowan.”

 

"Then you will tell her that her mother is a human woman who was lost shortly after she gave Rowan to you. Perhaps she was ill, humans are so fragile it is easy to believe that some sickness took her. Whatever you do do not tell her it was I." Loki says, taking Thor's hand. "You must promise me."

 

“Did you expect to raise her in this cell and have her believe you were not her parent?” Thor asks. He is not happy with the thought of Rowan never knowing that Loki went through so much trouble to protect her and give birth to her and keep her safe.

 

"She was not a princess then." Loki answers softly. "She was not the beloved daughter of Thor, prince of Asgard. She was the unnamed child of me and my lover whom I honestly expected to have taken from me at any moment. She is safe now and will remain so if I am only ever her uncle. I will not burden her with my mistakes and we can not risk her accidentally revealing her true origins. I will still love her and I hope she will love me. It simply will not be as her mother."

 

Thor sighs and looks down at Rowan, who has started to play with the ribbon in her hair with unsure fingers. She looks back up at him with those big green eyes, identical to Loki’s in every way, and he feels his chest clench with pain.

 

“Because the last time a parent hid the lineage of his royal child it went so well,” he mutters.

 

"I feared for my child!" Loki snaps. "What Odin did was wrong and I shall always hate him for it but how I acted was out of fear for the child I carried, the one you now hold in your arms. I am acting out of love, because I wish to keep her safe, not because she is a hostage taken from a race of beasts."

 

Thor sighs again and passes her back through the bars, because he can see that Loki is tense and he knows holding her will calm him.

 

“Do you think she could learn eventually? I do not think she could possibly hate you for all you have done to keep her safe. Maybe she doesn’t need to know while she is young, but… eventually?”

 

"Perhaps. When she is older and can handle that truth." Loki nods, cradling his baby to his chest. She wriggles and kicks and laughs and it makes him want to weep. She is so beautiful and now that she is free he fears he will somehow taint her by being so close. But he can not possibly let her go.   
  
"May I sing her a lullaby?" he asks Thor. "I like watching her fall asleep."

 

“Of course you may,” he says with a nod, reaching through the bars again to rub his thumb across Loki’s cheekbone.

 

Loki smiles and begins to rock the fussing baby, singing softly,

 

_The best gift I ever got_

_Didn't really cost a lot  
_

_It didn't have a ribbon 'round  
_

_And it sometimes makes a terrible sound.  
_

_The best gift I'll ever get  
_

_Is sometimes dry and sometimes wet  
_

_Usually pink, but oftentimes red  
_

_As she lays so innocently in her bed  
_

_The best gift of  the year to me  
_

_The one I hold most dear to me  
_

_A gift that nearly drove me wild  
_

_Was my tiny Rowan child.  
_

 

Her eyes close and soon Rowan is fast asleep in his arms. He smiles down at her and presses a soft kiss to her forehead, adding a quiet "I love you" before passing her back to Thor.  
  
"Thank you." he whispers.

 

Thor stares at Loki with a quirky, warm smile. “I don’t remember ever hearing that one from mother,” he says softly, not wanting to wake Rowan now that she’s asleep.

 

“I came up with it,” Loki admits softly, casting his eyes downward with a small smile of his own.

 

“It is beautiful. Sing it to her often so that she may pass it to her children,” Thor says, and leans close to the bars to press a kiss to Loki’s lips. “I will bring her to visit again as soon as possible, but a new princess must fulfill her duties,” he says with a smile, using his free hand to push back strands of black hair from Loki’s eyes. “I love you, my sweet.”

 

He lies in bed with Rowan on his chest that night and he tries to memorize at least the tune of Loki’s lullaby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki didn't actually write the song. 
> 
> Barbara Streisand did. 
> 
> Loki is not Barbara Streisand.


	4. Chapter 4

For a time the realm is pleased with the new edition to the House of Odin. But unrest comes quickly to a land of warriors. In half a year the people begin to whisper, wondering who this human is and if she is the reason Thor never seemed interested in finding a wife. They wonder if he is already married to the mysterious human and what makes her worthy of their king. They question Rowan's right to carry the title of princess when she is not Thor's legitimate child and some grow outspoken against the infant princess. They say she can not be heir unless Thor produces the human who bore her and marries the woman, keeping her on Asgard as his queen.  
  
Loki hears snippets of this from the guards and Thor the few times he is able to visit. It makes him nervous. He knows how easily loyalties can turn and he fears for his daughter.

 

Thor finally makes the decision to go back to Midgard and speak to Jane, to get her opinion on the matter, and much to Loki’s fear, he brings Rowan along with him. She’s not dressed nearly as resplendent as the first feast, but true to her name the seamstresses keep everything she wears in rich, beautiful shades of red. She is swathed in a simple red and silver dress with a matching ribbon in her blonde curls, which thicken and lengthen little by little every single day.

 

She is laid across Thor’s shoulder, her face buried in his neck so she will not be frightened as he opens the repaired bifrost and whisks away to Earth, only a few paces away from Jane’s front door. She’s alarmed to hear a great crack of thunder in the middle of the day, but one look across the breakfast table at Darcy and they’re both practically falling over themselves trying to get out the front door, only to see Thor standing there, wearing a crown and holding an infant.

 

“I need advice,” is all he says as he belts his hammer.

 

"No shit you have a baby!" Darcy exclaims, staring at the baby and ignoring the scathing look Jane gives her.   
  
"Come inside and we'll talk." Jane says more gently, opening the door to Thor.

 

Darcy’s mouth doesn’t close once all through the explanation of Loki bearing his child, and Rowan seems perfectly content to sit in the middle of the table and play with a banana.

 

“Okay, recap. You knocked up your brother,” Darcy repeats.

 

“He is not my blood brother,” Thor insists. “But yes. And now my people are demanding to know who the mother is, and they are saying that she cannot be a true princess if she is an illegitimate child. I do not want her to grow up with the scorn of the city pressing down on her back.”

 

"How can anyone scorn such a cutie?" Darcy asks, tickling Rowan's feet to make her laugh.  
  
"So you're here to ask for advice on what sort of lie to tell them?" Jane says, continuing to ignore her assistant. "Why don't you tell them her mother died? That you came to Earth to find her and found that she had passed on?"   
  
"Or you could just leave the little angel here with us." Darcy adds.

 

“I will not leave her here,” Thor says sternly. “I am going to raise my daughter in the palace, where she rightfully belongs. I fear returning with the news of her death, because the people may say that she will never be a true princess in that case, as I will never be able to marry her mother.” He hangs his face in his hands.

 

“You know I’d be totally okay with hanging out in a palace and pretending to be Ms. Thor,” Darcy says with a grin. “You wouldn’t even have to kiss me or anything, I bet your butt I could find some other big muscley guy to do away with me.”

 

Thor simply groans.

 

"Besides, I totally look like I had a kid at some point. More so than size zero here." she says smirking at Jane. "Or you could ask Natasha. She'll more than live up to your Asgardian expectations."

 

Thor’s exhale is heavy. “I fear taking a bride at all,” he whispers. “I do not think I can ever love anyone besides Loki, but I don’t dare try. I could not do that to him, let him wither away in that cell whilst I marry a woman I can only pretend to love and allow her to hold his daughter. I don’t know what to do.”

 

"Darcy might have had a point about leaving her on Earth. Not necessarily with us but with someone you trust." Jane says sadly. "You can say that her true mother refused to marry you and asked to keep the child here until things were sorted out. In the mean time you can work on getting Loki out of prison. It's not a perfect solution but she'll be safe."

 

Thor’s chest aches as he looks up at his daughter, happily banging a banana into the surface of the table and announcing its defeat with little shrieks of joy.

 

“I cannot… I cannot part with her,” he shakes his head sadly. “Not unless I am forced to. I cannot make the decision to leave her behind, I simply can’t. Certainly at least not without consulting Loki first.”

 

Jane nods in understanding and gets up to bring them both some coffee. "I don't know how else I can help you." she says when she comes back. She hands him one cup and sits down with the other. "You can stay here for a few days if you'd like while you think it over but honestly I'm not seeing a solution that isn't you getting married."

 

“But I don’t _want_ to get married,” Thor whines, over exaggerating his tone on purpose and allowing his head to clunk to the table top. Rowan shrieks her agreement and throws the banana.

 

"Aw look at that, just like her daddy." Darcy laughs, tickling the little girl again before she gets up to retrieve the banana.  
  
"Could you pretend to get married? Go back and say you had a Midgardian ceremony?" Jane suggests. "Or will you need to have an Asgardian ceremony?"

 

“They will not take my word for it, unfortunately. We have strict customs, and weddings – especially royal ones – are among the largest and most important. I was not there, but I have heard tales of when my mother married my father – the wedding ceremony lasted only one hour, but the celebration afterwards lasted two and a half weeks,” Thor groans, not lifting his head off the table.

 

"Partying hard in Asgard!" Darcy laughs, dancing back over to the table and giving Rowan the banana.   
  
"Darcy!" Jane snaps but she can't help a small smile. "That's unfortunate. And even if the marriage isn't legally binding here it will be there. There doesn't seem to be any way out of this Thor."

 

Thor lifts his head only in order to drop it back to the table with a thunk. This time Rowan flops over on her belly with a little warbling noise and imitates the action by laying her head on the table and scooting until her nose presses against his ear, where she immediately blows out as hard as she can, and Thor can only laugh.

 

"Where's my phone, this is going on youtube." Darcy says, immediately beginning a frantic search through her pockets before Jane stops her.  
  
"Like I said, you can stay here for a while if you'd like. At least until you have a better handle on things. Who knows, in a day or two we might have a come up with something." the scientist says hopefully.

 

Thor looks up at her with a hopeful smile. “Thank you for being so wonderful,” he mutters before dropping his head again, and Rowan lifts her own head to repeat the action with a much softer thunk.

 

“I’m in love with both of them. As a package deal,” Darcy says with a nod. “Jane, can I have them?”

 

Thor groans. Rowan copies him, louder.

 

"She's making fun of you Thor. On Earth that doesn't start until they're at least eight," Darcy teases. "Come on, I'll find you a place to sleep and we'll call up one of the others to see if they have a spare crib lying around. That'll be a fun conversation."

 

Thor enjoys spending time on earth with Rowan. In fact, his favorite part of visiting earth is jeans. He does not hesitate to wear them at his earliest convenience, as well as sneakers and a tee shirt, as they are so much more lightweight and easier to move in than his traditional armor and cloak.

 

Jane insists he should leave the legal research up to her, and tells him he should go inform the rest of his friends that he now has a baby. With a little laugh, Thor finally agrees and thunders away to New York City, to land on the Avengers’ tower balcony where Tony usually lands. Rowan screams with glee the whole way there, laughing like a maniac as she’s flown through the air.

 

The first person to see him is Tony, as it is his suite and he and Pepper are usually the only ones there. He had been getting himself something to eat, having just woken up after a long night of experimenting in the labs. He hears the heavy landing outside and tenses, ready to call for his suit when Jarvis informs him that it is only Thor, stopping by for a visit.  
  
"Great!" he says, turning to greet the Asgardian. But he catches sight of the baby and instead asks, "What the hell is that?"

 

“That would be a baby, sir,” Jarvis answers as Thor comes walking into the penthouse with Rowan tucked between his forearm and waist.

 

“Greetings!” Thor announces loudly. “I am here for a short visit. Is everyone present? I would like to introduce everybody to my daughter.”

 

"No, no no." Tony says, shaking his head. "You have to get that out of here before Pepper sees it. If you don't she'll get that look that means she just realized she's 35 and only has her career and me and it won't end well."

 

“What do you have to get out of here?” Pepper’s voice suddenly sounds from down the hall, and the sound of her heels come clicking forward.

 

Tony curses and picks up a blanket off the nearby couch, flinging it over Thor right as Pepper rounds the corner with a skeptical expression. She crosses her arms and Tony turns to grin at her, but his less than flawless plan is faulted when Rowan gives an excited shriek from underneath the blanket.

 

"Is that..?" Pepper's voice trails off as she approaches Thor. She removes the blanket, revealing the tiny Asgardian child. Her eyes go wide and she holds out a finger, only to have it instantly grabbed by the infant.  
  
Smiling she looks up at Thor and says kindly, "She's absolutely precious. Is she yours?"

 

“Indeed,” Thor nods. “She is mine. I am here for a short visit to introduce her to my friends.”

 

“He’s here to show off,” Tony mutters, looking over the way Pepper is cooing over the baby with a nervous expression.

 

“Would you like to hold her?” Thor asks, but Pepper doesn’t even need to answer because Thor is already passing the rosy infant into her arms.

 

"She's beautiful Thor." Pepper says, smiling down at the babe then up at Tony. "Isn't she adorable Tony?"

 

Tony leaves the room.

 

Thor introduces the baby to the rest of the Avengers when they’re gathered together for dinner. Rowan is passed around as often as the salt shaker. She’s thrilled to be held by every single one of them, even if they aren’t all quite as thrilled to hold her. Bruce looks exceptionally uncomfortable, and Steve looks very self-conscious about how he holds her, and Tony doesn’t even want to touch her, but Pepper and Natasha are both pleased to feed the year-old baby tiny little tidbits from their plates while she sits in their laps. Clint is too busy with his own wiggly two-year-old to even try to hold her.

 

As dinner ends and wine is passed around and the table is cleared, Rowan and Matthew (Clint's son) are placed on the table cloth. Rowan is instantly curious, and starts to touch Matthew’s face and hair and shoulders and Matthew just lets her, blinking at her quietly.

 

“This is the first other baby she has met,” Thor laughs as Rowan lays her head down in Matthew’s tiny lap and lifts her feet up in the air.

 

Matthew seems both intrigued and confused and expresses it by covering Rowan's face with his pudgy little hand. She squeals in delight and kicks her legs, making everyone around the table laugh.  
  
"So who's her mother?" Pepper asks finally, not taking her eyes off the two babies.

 

Thor’s expression falters for only a moment, and out of panic, he answers, “I don’t believe any of you have met her. She is a colleague of Erik Selvig, her name is Jane.”

 

"Sure, you met her in New Mexico." Clint nods. He still remembers that mission and how he had hated the oppressive heat. "I nearly put an arrow through your shoulder."

 

Thor has a negative feeling creeping into his gut like it will somehow come back to bite him in the backside, but he puts it aside for now in favor of watching his daughter and Clint’s son roll around on top of each other.

 

When the children finally fall asleep on one another on the table, the rest of the adults declare it’s finally time to turn in for the night. The children, half asleep as they are, don’t seem to want to part, so Thor concedes to let Rowan sleep in Matthew’s crib with him on Clint’s floor. Clint even lets Thor sleep on his couch.

 

When morning comes, he is staring uncertainly at the ceiling with a sour expression. Apprehension is heavy in his stomach and dread hard on his mind. He imagines what it will be like for Rowan, growing up in a place where she is scorned everywhere she goes for being a bastard child. He imagines what it would be like if he takes Jane or Darcy back to Asgard to wed them. Even a false wedding, Loki would not be pleased to learn that he married another.

 

He thinks and thinks until he hears Rowan begin to fuss in the other room, so he pads across the carpet to lift her out of the crib before she can wake Clint. He holds her and rocks her on his chest, trying to put his focus on her tiny, perfect face instead of all the uncertainties weighing down the back of his mind.

 

He stays with the Avengers for a few days after that and Rowan is is loved and cooed over by everyone except Tony who will only hold her if no one is looking. Pepper takes her out for a day and comes back with arms laden with bags heavy with toys. She makes it a point to tell Thor at least three times that he's welcome to bring her back any time and that she's as much a part of their weird little family as he is.  
  
The time for him to return to Jane and Darcy arrives too soon for any of their liking but he knows he must go and hope they can find a solution to his dilemma. The goodbyes take almost an hour with everyone insisting on holding her one last time as well as Rowan and Matthew's goodbye which consists of Matthew giving her a kiss and clapping and Rowan pulling his hair.

 

He lands in Jane’s front yard and immediately shifts Rowan from his arm to his shoulder, holding her in place with one hand as he ducks in through the front door.

 

“I have returned,” he announces as Rowan begins to play with his hair. “Please tell me your quest for knowledge has been fruitful, as I made a terrible error in judgment and desire good news.”

 

"Unless you want some brilliantly forged death records," Jane sighs, shooting Darcy a look that could be construed as annoyed or awed, "Then no. You either have to get married or do nothing."

 

Thor’s expectations do not have far to fall, as he did not have them very high to begin with. He sets Rowan down in Darcy’s arms, who immediately begins to pace with the child, and lets her chew on her hoodie strings.

 

Thor sinks into a chair with a groan and runs his hands through his hair.

 

“They asked who her mother is. I panicked and told them it is you,” he says softly.

 

"That's...why?" Jane asks, clearly surprised and uncomfortable with the information. She shifts a little and goes over to the sink and starts washing dishes just to have something to do with her hands.  
  
"Well this is awkward." Darcy laughs, bouncing Rowan a little to make the baby laugh. "You do make cute imaginary babies though Jane."

 

“Because you are the only human woman I have ever come close to having a real relationship with, and it felt less wrong to lie about you than to make up a woman,” he grunts honestly, not lifting his face from his hands.

 

Jane turns back to him but stays leaning against the sink, arms crossed over her chest. "That's sweet, in a way. I guess. So on the off chance I meet your friends you want me to lie and say I had your baby and then just let you take her away?"

 

Thor sighs again. “I do not believe that will ever be a problem. You are more than seven thousand miles apart, and you are in the mountains while they are at sea level. As long as you never decide to take a vacation in the lobby of Stark Towers, I do not believe you will have to lie to anyone. But in the extreme off chance… yes.” He looks up at her with apologetic eyes.

 

“Why couldn’t you have said it was me?” Darcy whines, playing with Rowan’s toes. “I would lie in a heartbeat if I got to pretend to be this little darling’s mommy.”

 

"She's good at fake crying too." Jane says, smiling a little and visibly relaxing. "Alright, I guess I can do that. We'll need papers though. A fake birth certificate and things like that."  
  
"Leave it to me." Darcy grins, handing Rowan back to Thor and jumping behind her laptop.

 

“Your knowledge of circumventing Midgardian legal processings should concern me,” Thor mutters as he stands up with Rowan balanced on his hip.

 

"Me too but it doesn't so shut up and be grateful." Darcy smirks, eyes glued to the screen and her fingers flying over the keys. "I can make you a fake marriage license to take back to Asgard too if you want."

 

Thor looks over at Jane for affirmation, and she gives him a shallow little nod. He doubts it will be good for very much, but it is better than nothing.

 

“So be it,” he says, putting his focus on Rowan and her big green eyes to calm his nerves.

 

Darcy shoos them both out of the room. It takes her four hours before the forms are faked to her satisfaction then they have to sign them and add Rowan's little foot prints to her birth forms. When it's all said and done she makes copies for both of them.  
  
"And by the power invested in me by the state of denial, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Thor." she laughs, handing them each their files, looking very smug.

 

“And this is what passes for legality in this realm?” Thor asks, holding up the form. “This is hardly proof of marriage.”

 

“What do you do on Asgard then?” Darcy asks, putting her hands on her hips.

 

“There are women with the profession of making certain a woman’s virginity has been taken from her wedding night. She will wait in the other room while the marriage is consummated, and she will then go in to give the divested bride an examination, and then her blessing.” Thor explains, squinting at the little writing on the paper.

 

"Well if you want to have Jane examined I'm sure she'll pass that test." Darcy teases. "I know I would."

 

Thor’s eyes widen as he looks at Darcy, and then over to Jane, and then back at Darcy. His mouth falls open as if he is going to make an accusation, but he snaps it back shut. His eyes do not narrow at all and his face turns pink and he suddenly looks back down to Rowan as if to silently tell her that she will absolutely not be having sex before she is married.

 

"Aw look at him, he's so shocked. Reminds me of my baby cousin when we're playing peek-a-boo." she says to the mortified scientist, trying not to laugh.

 

“You are going to get married to a wonderful man and you will keep your skirts in line until that day, alright?” he says to his daughter, lifting her up so they’re eye level. Rowan just blows a spit bubble and puts her palms on Thor’s eyes.

 

"You're going to be fighting off guys right and left if that's the case." Darcy says, tickling Rowan's feet so she kick's Thor in the chin. "She's going to be gorgeous when she grows up. Feisty too, probably, considering her parents."

 

Thor laughs anxiously, and tries not to imagine Rowan as a grown up. “Luckily for me, that is still some time away,” he says. “She will not be ready to court until roughly 250 of your Midgardian years have passed.”

 

"Holy shit, for real?" Darcy exclaims, looking at the tiny baby. "So she's going to be small like that until I'm pretty much dead? How long is it going to take her to learn to walk and talk?"

 

“Between thirty to thirty-five years, I wager,” he says, looking over at the women as he begins to gently sway Rowan back and forth from where she stands upon his knees with his support beneath her armpits.

 

Darcy smirks at Jane. "You're going to want to start going to the gym if you want to go to your fake daughter's wedding. You won't be this young forever you know." She points to Rowan. "She will be though. Which is really unfair."

 

Thor laughs. “It takes centuries longer for the women in our society to grow old and white than it does for men. My own father has had white hair for as long as I’ve known him, and to this day my mother remains a vision of golden-haired, honey-skinned youth,” he smiles fondly at Rowan and begins to bounce his knees.

 

"You've convinced me." Darcy says very seriously, hands on hips. "This Asgardian thing rocks. There are no down sides, your lives are perfect. Where do I sign up?"

 

Thor grins up at her. “I don’t think you can convert species,” he says just as seriously. But then his smile fades and he looks back down at Rowan. “Besides, it is not all perfect. We are hovering on the brink of war with the Frost Giants. One foul exchange of banter is all they require to wage a full-on attack on our peoples, and if that day comes, I will be forced into a dreadful position.”

 

"Well that sucks. What got them so pissed off anyway? Did you drop your hammer on their lawn and leave a huge dent like you did to us because honestly I think that can be forgiven."

 

Thor’s smile looks forced. “No, I… I invaded them not too long ago, and then Loki led them on a false invasion in return so he could kill their king. I believe the only thing keeping them from an attack so far is the fact that they have no real heir and therefore no general to lead them. I do not know the legal proceedings of Jotuns, but I don’t think it will be but another century before they launch an assault.”

 

"What happened to their heir? Or did the king not have your kind of common sense and start making babies as soon as he could?" Darcy asks, looking at Jane to back her up only to find the older woman has become completely engrossed in a scientific journal.

 

Thor weighs the possible cons of revealing the answer, but he does trust Darcy, even if she can be odd at times. “Loki is the heir. They do not know that,” he says softly.

 

"Shit. So he killed his father, leaving you on the brink of war that only the heir, which is him, can avoid but he's locked up in your dungeon having your kids?" Darcy asks, eyes wide and fighting a smile. "This is better than a soap opera. You guys should have a reality show."

 

“Why would we need to show reality?” Thor asks before Jane announces that the conversation is over by closing her book loudly.

 

“Okay, I think that’s enough 20 questions,” she says. “Let’s not keep prying, Darcy. Thor, you have to know when to stop her, otherwise she’ll keep going until she knows everything from the color of your walls to your favorite sex position.”

 

“Oh, come on,” Darcy says, “You _cannot_ tell me you don’t think of what he’s like in the sack.”

 

“I _really_ try not to,” Jane grimaces as she begins to shove Darcy out of the room.

 

"I'm going, I'm going!" Darcy whines as she's pushed into the hall.  
  
Once they're alone Jane turns back to Thor, blushing a little. "Sorry about her. She means well, I think. Do you think you can handle things now or is there anything else I can do for you?"

 

“I believe I am as well equipped as I can be,” Thor says, standing. “But can you hold Rowan while I return to the spare chambers to don my armor?”

 

“I can do that,” Jane grins at the girl as she’s passed to her, and immediately sits down on the couch to start bouncing her as Thor did.

 

Thor stands in front of the full-length mirror in the spare room with a sigh as he lowers his crown onto his head. He looks every inch the king he is meant to be, but he doesn’t feel right. The armor feels too heavy and the cape too large; he feels like a little boy pretending to be a king by putting on his father’s clothes.

 

He clenches his fists and loosens them several times as he looks himself over with a sigh. He wants nothing more than to return to Asgard and go back to the days when he was a prince and had no more duties than going to formal dinners and sitting through a few boring meetings with his father, which he complained about to Loki later, who would tell him all the horrible little pranks he would have pulled if he were there. Back in the days when their love was so innocent it felt like it would stretch on forever, nevermind the fact that they were brothers.

 

Now the subject of taking a wife is hanging on Thor’s shoulders, and the love of his life is crippling himself, starving and cold in a dungeon a hundred feet beneath the palace. They do not get to touch often, they do not laugh or smile every day and they do not make love as they once did. It has come to the point where the thought of sex with any other person makes Thor’s skin crawl and he wants to simultaneously cry and vomit. But any bride of the king’s consummation would be watched more closely over than any other woman’s, and there would be no way he could get away with a simple marriage and then forget the woman exists.

 

The idea of taking Darcy with him to pretend to be his bride suddenly seems like a much more viable option. However, he will make no decisions until he speaks with Loki. So with that in mind, he goes back to take Rowan from Jane, gives her a strong hug, and he is off.

 

His return is met with much fanfare and whispering. He is instantly swept away to many meetings with his council and advisors and warriors. Then there is a feast to celebrate his return and it is not until late at night that he can sneak down to the dungeons to visit Loki.

The trickster is sitting on his bed when Thor arrives, looking as pale and thin as ever though slightly warmer and more awake than he had when he had cared for rowan.

"Your guards have been neglecting their duties." He says by way of greeting. "They have only been bringing me one meal per day."

 

Thor swells with anger at this news. “I will certainly ameliorate the problem,” he says, already desiring to go off shouting to the cooks. He tries to imagine who is responsible – the cooks, perhaps they decided on a whim that they didn’t need to cook twice a day for a prisoner? Or perhaps the guards have indeed been throwing out one of Loki’s meals. Whatever it is, he will find the culprit and stop them. He didn’t have the power to change Loki’s level of comfort before, and while he still might not be able to give Loki a lavish bed or grand clothes – he _is_ a prisoner – he can certainly return Loki to two meals a day.

 

He tries to put that out of his mind for the moment and he comes up to the bars, beckoning Loki to him. The metal bars are cold between their bodies as they embrace, but Thor is still able to kiss him so there is little he can complain about.

 

“I need to know what to do,” he whispers when they break apart, and he begins to explain.

 

 

 

 

 

"So," Loki says when Thor is finished, arms crossed and face coolly contemplative. "Your only solution is to bring a human woman here, pretend to marry her and call her the mother of our daughter? A human who is little more than a child in her own realm?"

 

Thor sighs. “That is correct,” he says with a nod. “Or else Rowan will grow with scorn on her shoulders at every turn.”

 

"Are there no other options open to us?" Loki asks. He has no reason to dislike the human girl but he does not want anyone to pretend to be his child's mother. Just thinking about it makes him uncomfortable.

 

“If I claim Rowan’s mother is dead, then she remains illegitimate. If I marry another woman… then I have been married, and I do not wish that. However… we may have to take into consideration what is best for Rowan, not for you or I. I do not want her to grow with constant whisperings of her unlawfulness just by being born before I married. It is not her fault, how she is, and it is not your fault either, the fault is entirely mine, and I refuse to allow her to be shamed at every turn in her life because I was irresponsible.”

 

"It was my spell that failed." Loki argues. "Is it possible for her to be raised on earth until the rumors fade? People will grow bored of talking about her if she is not here."

 

Thor’s chest aches. “Leave her on Midgard?” he repeats. “It was suggested to me, but… the thought of parting from her hurts me in ways I cannot describe. I am certain you feel the same, if you do not already feel that way.” He reaches between the bars to cup his lover’s face with both hands.

 

Loki leans into the gentle touch. "I do feel that way. I am allowed to see my child once a month if I am lucky. If you are married, even if it is only pretend, I will not even see her that often or people will be asking new questions."

 

“If she goes to Earth you will _never_ see her,” Thor whispers weakly, resting his forehead against Loki’s between two of the bars.

 

"I do not know if I can give her to another though. You are her father so it was one thing to give her to you but to give her to some woman to take the place of her mother..." he sighs weakly. "I am being selfish, I know. It is not fair to her or to you but I have given up many children already. One more will break my spirit, I am sure of it."

 

Thor sighs and holds Loki’s face in his hands, fighting tears. “Midgard, then. There is a pair of mirrors in the treasure room which function as visual portals, I am sure you know which I speak of. I will leave Rowan with the Avengers, as well as one of the mirrors so that you may see her. I am certain Miss Potts will allow you to see her. But I will not take her today, first I must make preparations with my council, and I must bring her down for you to see her one more time before she departs.”

 

Loki smiles weakly and leans through the bars to press a kiss to Thor's lips.

"Thank you my love." He whispers when he pulls back. "You do not know how much this means to me."

 

Thor can only smile sadly as they share one more kiss before he must leave the dungeon. He shouts at the guards a good bit, who all seem absolutely terrified when he starts accusing them of not bringing Loki his meals, so the problem is at the kitchen. But it is past feasting time, so the kitchen will be empty of staff. He makes a note to go shout at them in the morning before returning to his room, where he left Rowan.

 

She is sitting up between his pillows and greets him with a little shriek, and his heart aches. He will not get to watch her grow from day to day like he wants, he will not get to hear her first word just as it is spoken or let her toddle into his arms when she walks on her own feet for the first time. Tears fill his eyes as he takes her into his arms and holds her, memorizing the feel of her weight and her little voice as she makes random noises.

 

Parting from her will be worse than when he thought Loki dead.


	5. Chapter 5

Days go by while Thor makes the preparations and spends as much time with his daughter as possible. He cries sometimes, when he is alone with her. They are almost never separated unless it is absolutely essential.   
  
The time draws closer for their departure and Thor brings the babe down to Loki's cell again. Loki takes her in his arms and holds her tight, knowing this will be the last time he will ever be able to. He looks down at her face and her little toothless grin and laughs through his tears at the noises she makes.  
  
"Perhaps I am wrong." he says sadly. "Perhaps it would be better to waste away and have the chance to hold her again. I should not be so selfish and I should not cause you such pain." he says, looking up at his lover. "Is it too late now to change my mind?"

 

Thor tries to suppress a flare of anger at Loki’s words. Where was this indecision weeks ago, when the idea was first blossoming?

 

“It is too late,” Thor says stiffly. “Preparations have been made both here and on Midgard. I cannot change my mind now, or questions will be asked even more potent than questions of her mother.”

 

Loki nods sadly. "Yes. I'm sorry; please don't be angry with me. It's hard to give up a child in any capacity. I know you wish to keep her here as well and it is only by my objections that she is leaving at all."

 

“I am not angry,” Thor says, but his voice lacks conviction. He isn’t angry, really, but he’s not _happy_.

 

He looks at Rowan, swaddled in Loki’s arms, gazing up at him with her big green eyes, and his chest aches. He knows it is nothing compared to how he will feel when he is finally passing her off into Pepper’s arms and leaving her behind.

 

“She will not remain on Midgard forever,” he reminds Loki softly. “This is not the last time you will ever see her.”

 

"No." Loki agrees. "But this is the last time I will hold her like this or have the chance to sing her a lullaby. You will be able to visit her as she grows. You can make the trip to Midgard two or three times a year while I watch from here. I know it is my fault that I do not have your freedom but I still envy you."

 

Thor bites back a bitter response of ‘yes it is your fault’ and simply allows Loki to hold her until he has soaked up all the happiness from her he can bear.

 

“I will return to visit you once more after she is given to Miss Potts,” he says solemnly, and leaves the prison without saying _I love you_. It is not because he does not love him, but because he is feeling so sour he doubts the words will sound sincere.

 

He clutches Rowan to his chest, a bundle of all the things she could possibly need – including one of the two mirrors – strapped to his shoulder. The bifrost swirls around him and then he is standing on the balcony of Stark Tower at the designated time. Pepper is standing just inside, Tony at her side, and Thor fights the urge to flee with his child and shirk his responsibilities and simply raise her and be happy.

 

He walks laboriously forward, feeling his eyes water as he avoids eye contact with anybody but Rowan, crooked into his elbow and smiling sleepily up at him from the red blanket she’s swathed in.

 

He stops in front of Pepper and looks up at her with sad eyes. She tries to comfort him with a small smile, but doesn’t reach out for the child yet. She will wait until Thor offers the babe to her.

 

He takes a moment to look down at her once more, picking a few of her curls back in place, and reminds himself not to be selfish. She will be loved here, and this will not be the last he sees of her. He will visit her, it will be well. He thinks of Loki, and all the times a child was taken from him by Odin and he very nearly breaks down into tears.

 

“You will keep her safe,” he finally says, voice as strong as he can manage as he passes the infant into Pepper’s arms, who gives him a strong nod. “And I will come to visit her again as swiftly as I am able.” He stoops to kiss Rowan’s forehead, and she shrieks at the scratch of his beard, pressing both of her hands to his chin and squeezing. His jaw trembles, but he steels himself and unstraps the bundle from his shoulder to pass it to Tony. “All of the things that are necessary for her health are within this satchel. I had Asgardian mathematicians estimate the feeding schedule she will require to grow strong, and her hair ribbons and a few dresses were made for this occasion. There is also a mirror inside that can be used as a means for her to see back to Asgard.”

 

Tony nods and leaves to go put the satchel someplace safe. Once he is gone, Thor turns his attention to Pepper once more.

 

“I require only that you listen, that you do not make assumptions or judgments. I told a lie when I said the mother of this child of mine is Miss Jane Foster. In reality, this baby was born of Loki. The mirror within that sack has a twin in Loki’s hand, and with your assistance it is the only way he will be able to watch his child grow. Can I trust you?” he asks quickly and quietly.

 

"Yes. Of course, he'll see her every day." Pepper promises, a little dazed. "But, is he alright with this? It looks like it's killing you and you can visit her. And, no offense, Loki didn't seem particularly stable before."

 

Thor is quiet for a while as he looks down at Rowan, watching as her eyes begin to droop closed.

 

“Loki has not been alright for a long time,” he says very softly as he reaches forward to give her curled head one more gentle stroke before he has to leave.

 

The time is decided for when she will show the babe to Loki through the mirror, and Thor leaves before he gives into his urge to steal Rowan back from Pepper. He returns to Loki’s cell with a heavy heart and weary expression that night.

 

“It is done,” he says tiredly before sagging against the bars and turning away from Loki to sit against them.

 

Loki goes to him and places a hand on his shoulder. It is only a small comfort, if any, but it is what he can offer.

 

"I am sorry to hurt you so. If you wish to leave me I will understand and I will still love you." Loki assures him. "You are free to leave. You owe me nothing."

 

Thor is silent as he reaches over his shoulder to take Loki’s hand, cold and small in his own, and simply hold onto it as he allows the tears to take him. He tries to keep himself quiet, but when Loki’s arms reach through the bars to wrap around him, he releases his dignity and they cry together.

 

Sleep does not come easily for him that night in his bed.

 

True to her word Pepper makes the time for Loki to see his daughter everyday. Some days the babe is asleep, others she awake and laughing, her little arms reaching towards him like she remembers the face of the man who held her and fed her and sang to her. It breaks Loki's heart but he is never late for their meetings and spends as much time as he can memorizing her face or the lines on her palms. He counts her eye lashes and catalogs the noises she makes so he can repeat them to himself before he goes to sleep. Some nights he goes without his blanket, choosing instead to bundle it up and curl around it like he used to when Rowan shared his cell.  
  
He does not just look at her during his viewing time. He tells her stories, happy tales of his life before he carried her. He tells her a few stories of her siblings because it is his duty to tell her something of them though he will never mention them again. He tells her of himself and her father and of their friends just as he used to. He does not sing to her because he can not bring himself to start a melody without her in his arms.   
  
He talks to Pepper as well when Rowan is sleeping. She tells him how well Rowan has been eating and how she likes to play with the other baby, Matthew, when he is in the tower. She tells him that his daughter is loved and treated well by all and that is enough to tell him he made the right choice.

 

He does not expect the near friendship he makes with the woman. She reveals that she is the only one who knows that Loki is the true mother of the child, and that she continues to perpetuate the lie of Jane in order to keep Rowan’s childhood guilt and scorn free. She doubts Clint or Steve would be particularly happy to learn that the baby they have been coddling came from the womb of an alien man, and their arch nemesis.

 

Thor finds himself envying the fact that Loki gets to see her every day, but as their meetings are at noon, Thor is often at the highlight of his duties for the day and cannot go to visit him and share the experience.

 

It is not for one month before he is able to visit Rowan again, and she screams with glee when she sees him, immediately demanding to be picked up with her arms in the air. He has never felt joy as strong as when he lifts her into the air and holds her against her chest and her little fingers tangle in his beard and she kisses him.

 

Loki calls at noon as always and the mirror is answered by Thor, holding their daughter in his strong arms. She looks so pleased to be with him and a twinge of guilt settles in Loki's stomach. He hurts them all by demanding they be separated but it is too late to turn back.  
  
"She is well?" he asks when he trusts his voice. "Pepper claims she eats well and appears healthy but she has never held an Asgardian child before."

 

“She feels properly fed,” Thor grins and rocks Rowan to emphasize her roly-polyness.

 

“She’s very heavy, you mean,” Pepper laughs. “I’m gonna go ahead and leave you three alone.”

 

Thor looks happier than he has been since he first discovered Rowan that night in the cell, holding her for the first time.

 

"She is happy to see you." Loki says with a smile. He likes seeing Thor smile. He has not seen it in a long time and it warms his heart. "She is always happy but she looks especially pleased today. She missed you, can you tell?"

 

“I can tell,” his smile turns sad as he bounces her on his knee. “I am filled with sadness when I see her now though, because I think of you and how you cannot touch her as I can.”

 

"I get by." Loki assures him. "I feel guilty that I am able to see her everyday and you are not though I know it will not change anything. All we can do is support each other in our grief."

 

Thor wishes he could reach through the mirror and touch Loki’s face now, but he makes do by cradling Rowan closer.

 

“My friends tell me every day that she comes closer to speaking, if you can believe it. She copies noises she hears and has nearly said a word once or twice. They say she knows more noises than they can keep up with, and she communicates in this way. They know she is asking for a drink when she clicks her tongue, and that she is tired and wants to nap when she purses her lips and blows through them like the whistle of a sleeping person’s nose.”

 

"She is clever. But she is much too young for speaking yet. She is barely a year. It will be at least another ten before she can form words." Loki says, smiling fondly at his daughter. "I am glad she is learning how to communicate her needs. Such a skill will be essential as she grows."

 

They talk for hours longer about Rowan, and they almost feel as though they are right beside each other, talking of her future like any normal pair of parents. It breaks their hearts when the encounter must come to an end, as Rowan announces with a whistle that she requires sleep.

 

Thor does not stay for much longer, only until morning – he sleeps with Rowan draped over his chest – and then he is back in Asgard.

 

Shortly after Loki is moved to a larger cell. The chains are removed from his neck and hands though his ankles remain constricted. There are angry red welts where the cuffs had been but he is given a healing salve and they eventually begin to heal. He is also given a fresh robe and a warmer blanket, rewards for his good behavior.   
  
After five months he is given a cat. It is small and orange but it likes to curl up beside him at night and the soft breathing helps him sleep. He dreams of Rowan and wakes a furry head bumping against his face, wondering why he is crying. It is not a pleasant life but it is an improvement from before and his health starts to recover in small ways.  
  
Thor does not come to see him often which he does not blame him for. The life of a king is a demanding one and he is surprised Thor can find time for him at all between his duties and visits to Rowan. It leaves Loki lonely but he still has his daily chats with Pepper and Rowan to keep him going. It is enough to get by and keep him sane. Someday he knows he will see his daughter again. It will be far in the future and she will be grown but he will see her. That thought keeps him alive.

 

Thor had to push for giving better accommodations to Loki. The council, and especially Odin, were not happy about this, but Thor insisted that Loki was behaving well, he seemed remorseful, and he deserved to know he would be rewarded for the good as much as punished for the bad. Odin was convinced that Thor was simply being wiled by Loki’s lies, and that is when Thor finally put his foot down and announced that Odin was the one who gave him the title of king and if he wouldn’t respect his judgment he should not have passed the crown at all. Odin respected the finality and authority in his voice and stepped down. If Thor was being tricked, he would realize soon enough.

 

His trip to the pet store was received with fear from the staff, but he soon selected a friendly orange cat to bring back to Asgard, and he knows Loki appreciates the company.

 

It is not long before they fall into a rhythm, and Thor realizes that it has been so long since he found his pleasure in the flesh of his lover that he can hardly remember the sound of Loki’s voice as he sighed with bliss or the feel of his pale skin beneath Thor’s strong hands. He knows it will be a long time still before he can hold Loki again like this, and it hurts him deeply.

 

When Thor does find his way down to Loki's new cell the trickster is generous with his gratitude. He wishes he could hold Thor and offer him something in return for his generosity but he can not and even if there were not bars between them he could not wish to attempt romance in this place. It would sully their already damaged relationship. So he settles for holding his hand and thanking him repeatedly for the kindness he has shown though Loki knows he does not deserve it.

 

They share small kisses between the bars, but Thor does not let them deepen for fear of tasting something sweet he has not had in so long and craving it all the worse.

 

He throws himself into his duties to tire himself out so that he is too exhausted to dream most nights, so that his thoughts in sleep do not turn to Loki’s naked form, or sad thoughts of Rowan sleeping countless nights without him.

 

It is five more months, ten in total since he left Rowan on Midgard, and with a trip every other month Thor feels weakened and sad. His subject can see that he is upset and wonder if they have made a foul decision in pushing him to the point that he sent his child away. But no one speaks of it.

 

Thor is weary when awake and nearly dead when asleep. Mornings come hard and cold and sleep is swift and debilitating.

 

Loki can not see the change in Thor but he hears of it. One of the guards is almost kind towards him and sometimes brings him information about what is going on in the world. He tells the trickster of Thor's sadness and it only strengthens Loki's feelings of guilt. He caused this pain just as he has caused so many other misfortunes. It makes him wish for death but he will not bring it about himself. He can not abandon Thor and Rowan in such a way and he will not allow Hel to see what he has become.

 

It is not until the final month of one year that Thor comes to an idea. He has the idea when he visits Rowan and she reaches for the mirror despite the fact it is not near noon, the time when they call one another with their magic.

 

He wonders what it would be like if Loki were on earth with him, if they could pass Rowan between their arms and kiss and hold one another with no cold iron bars between them.

 

He does not stay on earth as long as he usually does when visiting Rowan. He doesn’t consult Loki in this decision because he wants the most honest defenses Loki can muster at the time.

 

He calls a meeting with his council and Odin, and Loki is startled to find himself brought into court after a little over two years’ imprisonment.

 

Dressed in a clean white robe and hair brushed so he won’t look quite as messy – despite his dirty, emaciated face and obvious misgivings about the brightness and openness of the courtroom in comparison to the small cell he’s been in for so long. Thor is standing in full regalia, armor gleaming and face gentle as he looks at his confused lover.

 

“Loki, you are brought before the court today under suspicion that your time beneath the palace has not brought you to be remorseful. Lonely, hungry, cold and bitter to be certain, but remorseful I doubt. It is my belief that you cannot be brought to feel badly for the acts you have committed on Midgard without spending time on Midgard. The court feels as though you would pose a danger to that realm and your sentence should continue in the dark beneath the palace. I believe with the drain on your powers, when placed under the care of the five people who previously defeated you, and without the aid even of the Chitauri, you will be well watched over. What say you?”

 

"I-I say their fears are unfounded. My power has been broken, I do not even have the strength left to transfigure a fork into a spoon." An exaggeration but a small one. His magic has grown feeble and useless thanks to the draining effect of the cells. He glances up at Thor and then drops his head again, wondering what he could possibly hope to achieve by forcing him through this humiliation. "It is true I do not feel remorseful. I regret, yes. But for myself, not for others. How can I feel remorse and sadness for a people I will never see again?"

 

“He lies! They conspire!” someone shouts, but Thor silences him with a stern glare.

 

“I have brought the guards up to the court with me,” he says firmly. “Is it the truth I have not visited Loki any time recently in which I could share this idea with him?”

 

“It is truth,” the guards say with a nod.

 

“Then it must also be truth that Loki speaks with a sure tongue, as he has not had the time to come up with a careful lie. You can hear his tongue trip in his mouth, his silver tongue does not stammer,” Thor continues. “Why do we punish him for his misgivings here, when he performed them on another realm? Why do we keep him locked away from even sunlight in the assumption that he will ever learn from his mistakes? What will he learn them from, the bars of his cell?”

 

"A cell teaches nothing but further cruelty." Loki mutters, still looking down at the floor. He thinks he is beginning to understand Thor's plan. He only hopes it works.

 

The court room is buzzing with nervous chatter.

 

“And the crimes on Asgard, what of them!” someone calls.

 

“Crimes?” Thor repeats. “You speak of the false attack when he led the Frost Giants into our realm, and slew their king, leaving them powerless. Assuredly he should be punished for allowing them to enter, but what casualties were there but the king of the race of beings we most despise? Loki should be viewed as a hero for his acts on Laufey, not as a criminal. Is deceit not one of Loki’s best skills? Even now you claim he is deceiving us all when he is naught but a filthy, cell-weary shell of the man he once was. We are to punish him for the skills he has cultivated over the years, deceiving the Frost Giants to believe him so that he may be mighty enough to kill their ruler while he was vulnerable.”

 

"He brought war upon us!" someone shouts.  
  
"In an attempt to avoid war. It was not I who entered Jotunheim and angered the frost giants to begin with." Loki says defensively. "I sought to make them weaker. Is that not the proper way for a warrior to attack an enemy?"

 

Thor gives a nervous chuckle. “Yes, if you all remember it was I who first laid siege to the Frost Giants against my father’s wishes. I brought war upon us, and now as king I seek to erase it, I am paying for my own misgivings in the way that best suits them – by getting rid of them. Midagrd is still in the process of repairing the damages to the city brought on by Loki’s attack, so would it not be similarly applicable if he served out his sentence repairing the damages he has done, working alongside the humans?”

 

Loki contorts his face into an expression of tightly controlled disgust. The council is more likely to go in their favor if they believe he will only be more miserable there. In truth his animosity towards the humans has nearly disappeared. They have proven themselves to be kind and generous and have loved and cared for his daughter without demand. And through his tenuous friendship with Pepper he has recognized that they can be worth something on occasion. But the council must not know that.

 

His expression is not lost on the sharp eyes of the council.

 

“I don’t believe there is any need for further debate,” Thor says. “What is your argument for keeping Loki in his cell, I wish to know?”

 

"He can be controlled. His powers are kept in check and he is watched." one of the members says.   
  
"And he suffers. An appropriate punishment for the lives he has taken and the danger brought upon us. Not to mention the damage caused to the Bifrost." another adds.

 

“Oh, the damages have since nearly been repaired,” Thor says dismissively. “It is not as though he will be set free to roam Midgard. He will be closely monitored by the Avengers, a team of superior Midgardians that I personally believe are the strongest of their kind, and the most well-equipped to deal with Loki. He will also be under my supervision during my visits to Midgard. Do you doubt my abilities, coupled with the abilities of the five most powerful Midgardians, to assert Loki’s punishment over him – especially in his weakened state? If you do not think I can handle Loki when he is like this, how can you ever trust me to stop the war as it advances on us?”

 

The council is quiet.

 

“Loki will suffer on Midgard,” it is the first true lie Thor has spoken, and he knows it, but even Loki is impressed by the way his expression does not falter. “He holds disdain for the human race, compares them to insects, believes them inferior. To be placed in their care while he is so weak, to be made to clean up his mess like a maid, do you think that it not suffering as well? It would be at the hands of the people he too, made suffer. How is this not justice?”

 

The council is silent and Loki dares to hope. Thor's point is well made and Loki is proud of him for speaking so eloquently. He is regal and intimidating and compassionate, all the things a king should be and Loki wonders why he ever sought to take this from him.  
  
The vote is called and the majority of the council is on Thor's side. His speech convinced them and Loki will be moved to Midgard within the month where he shall live with the Avengers as his new prison guards. Loki is overjoyed but careful not to show it. He will be seeing Rowan again by the end of the week. He shall hold her and sing to her and live with her once again. It is more than he had ever dreamed of.  
  
The council is excused leaving him alone with Thor, who then asks the guards to wait in the hall so he may have a moment with Loki alone.  
  
"You have my deepest thanks, Thor. Or do I call you sire now?" he says with a smile that makes his chapped lips crack and bleed. "You spoke well. I see those night tutoring you in the art of speech giving were not a waste."

 

Thor’s façade crumbles into nervousness, his brows drawing together as he reaches forward to wipe away the blood from Loki’s mouth with his thumb.

 

“I was terrified,” he says softly. “Terrified that they would not agree and you would be put back in that cell forever. You need only stay there now long enough so that I may go to my friends and tell them of this new arrangement.”

 

"I will need new clothes." Loki says. "I do not think it appropriate to arrive in a dirty robe, even if I am a prisoner."

 

Thor laughs. Always like Loki, to think of the small details.

 

“Unnecessary. You will be given Midgardian clothing when you arrive,” he says. “But I will take an over-robe from your old room if you do not want to appear dirty. I suggest washing your face when you get the chance as well. I will see to it that your cat goes to Midgard with you. Now I suggest we go to the hall and allow the guards to bring you back to your cell. The quicker I can get to Midgard, the quicker I can return.”

 

"I can not wash myself in cold water with no soap." Loki argues. But he sighs and let's the argument go. He will be able to bathe when he reaches Midgard. With hot water and soap and towels. After he sees Rowan, of course.

 

He is brought to the guards and led back to his cell, feeling the first blooms of hope in a very long while.

 

Thor returns to Midgard the following morning to tell the Avengers of Loki’s new sentence. Pepper is the only one who understands the full picture, and says nothing.

 

“He is not to be kept from his niece,” Thor says, and even he is impressed with the way he has learned to lie from Loki. “He harbors no ill will towards me and will not harm her.”

 

Once the Avengers were settled into the idea that Loki would be joining them (it took a good deal of convincing to get Hawkeye’s feathers to unruffle) Thor returned to Asgard at sundown. All of the bifrost traveling was beginning to make him feel weary, but he would sleep soon. Once he visited Loki again.

 

The bars of his new cell are farther apart, and he is happy for the chance to embrace Loki through them.

 

“Once you are on Midgard, I can only see you when I come to visit Rowan,” he says softly, smoothing Loki’s hair back and noting that he took a great deal of time to make himself look presentable.  “I will miss you desperately.”

 

"Keep the mirror." Loki says, passing it through the bars to Thor. "And we shall speak each night before we go to our beds. It will be even more than we have now though we will not be able to touch. When you come to visit Rowan we can make up for that, without bars between us."

 

Thor feels tears of hope and joy leak from his eyes as he presses gentle kisses to Loki’s dirty face.

 

“I will do it,” he says as he tucks the mirror into his armor to keep it hidden. “Please keep her safe, keep her loved. And sing to her, she misses it. My friends tell me she won’t allow anyone else to sing to her, she fusses if they try.”

 

"Of course. I will sing to her every night. And to you if you wish it." Loki promises, biting back his own joyful tears. He should not be so happy when his leaving means that Thor will be left with neither a daughter nor a lover for company.

 

Thor nods and they simply embrace in loving silence for a while more before the king has to leave for bed. He sleeps easily and restfully that night knowing that Loki will be made safe and happy.


End file.
